Alright, so PortCon happened a few weeks ago. Bitchin'. Absolutely bitchin'. Except Kyo got semi-emo towards the middle, which is what I'm addressing right now.

From what I understand, she developed feelings for a cosplayer on-sight and got highly freaked out by them because he was a nice guy; Warm hugs, pretty, good singing voice, etc. Basically, every redeeming quality a girl could want in a guy. So, she had a thing for him. I don't think I was helping very much either, because I was encouraging her to talk/flirt with him. So, I admit that I have a shred of responsibility in the situation.
Thing is that I wasn't serious. Cosplay boys, like the characters themselves, are eye-candy to me. Certainly, they have personalities of their own, but they're dressed as a fandom. If I got to know them outside of their cosplay, then they become a potential relationship (friend, lover, etc.). But since I don't get to know them outside of that given role (and since I'm happily attached anyways), then there's no chance of seeing them as anything other than a pretty face, with or without some redeeming qualities.

However, I know that the world as a whole doesn't think the way I do 100% of the time. Bri included. But she means the world to me. Certainly, I could see myself living without in the future, but I'm never happy in those visions. If I visualize my life with her in it, I see a happy life for me and hopefully for her. I don't ever want that to be just a dream that could have been a reality but I messed it up. I want that vision to be something tangible someday. Something that I can see just over the horizon, just ten feet away.

Bri would, I believe, be justified in dumping me for just about anyone short of a crack-addicted prostitute. I am not sexy, pretty or even cute. I'm not warm, emotional, kind or sympathetic. I'm not good in bed. The only thing I have going for me is the fact that I'm damn smart but there are people who win me out even in that. But she's seen something in me that neither of us can identify. For that, she stays with me and I'm eternally happy that she does.

There's a song for her. A song by an artist that she actually likes. And I've found it.

What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore

It's a long way down
On this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar
Went off the track
And you're on it

I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of trying to dream anymore
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for

Well it's full speed baby
In the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
If that's the way
You insist on heading

Please be honest Mary Jane
Are you happy
Please don't censor your tears

You're the sweet crusader
And you're on your way
You're the last great innocent
And that's why I love you

So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane is your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry

Tell me
Tell me
What's the matter Mary Jane...

Haven't posted in forever, but who cares? I'm bored, I'm in the library and, to be honest, I'm bored.

DL'd a HieixKurama doujinshi before I left for school today. Can't wait to get home and read it. I also got a bit done on some Zemyx fics. I do need to work a bit more on the AkuRoku stuff though. I'll ask Bri for ideas, she likes that pairing.

I'm trying out a new look, inspired by the Courtney Love CD I got in the mail on Saturday. It's called Kinderwhore, which strikes the fine line of looking like a little girl and looking like a slut. I love this look, too, but I need to get the right kind of clothes; Shredded baby-dolls, neglegees and all kinds of dressy clothes, only ripped to shit and paired with some of the gothy stuff.

Gotta work. Talk more later.

I hate getting into my emo moods. I get wicked mopey and do funny things like lay around listening to really bad music and finding all sorts of funny things with it. Had a really bad attack when Kyo was over. I just went down, completely unprovoked. Okay, half provoked; Malibu was playing. The good thing is that I kinda snapped out of it when I heard Dying. Malibu is one song, Dying is quite another. Unfortunately, my mind is muddled to shit and I compare people to music. So, here's why I listen to that damned album so much. Actually, why not just lay it all out on the fucking table. All the albums I've been repeating since middle school. 
Since ninth grade is where the ball started rolling, lets start there.

Miss World- Perfectionism is the basic theme. Perfectionism and hiding anguish behind a pretty face. It's a song for myself.

Asking For It- This song is a trip. Manipulation is part of it, devotion is another. Sam's song, for sure, but a bit for Lestat too (Everytime that I stare into the sun/Angel dust and my dress just comes undone/Everytime that I stare into the sun/Be a model or just look like one.)

Jennifer's Body- Sam's again. Only part of it, though. I don't even remember the first half of it, but the part I'm referring to goes, "He says 'I'm your lover/ I'm your friend/I'm purity, it's me again'/ With a bullet, number one/Kill the family, save the son. Himself." He (Sam) told me once that the child he had with May looks a lot like him, so that's where that comes from.

Doll Parts- Jealousy and possessiveness in love are the themes for this. The chorus is sung differently in the two different parts. In the first chorus, the second line goes, "I love him so much it just turns to hate." That's Sam. But in the second chorus, the same line goes, "He only loves those things because he loves to see them break." Lestat.
She Walks Over Me- Only one verse in here really says anything to me. "Hold you close like we both died/My ever-present suicide/My stupid fuck, my blushing bride/Oh tear my heart out, tear my heart" This was back when I blamed Sam for using me and lying to me. Back then, I could just see a beautiful wedding, him holding me, and him thinking, "My stupid fuck, my blushing bride." It's a rage thing.

I Think That I Would Die- One part, again. The bridge to the final chorus. "She lost all her innocence/Gave it to an absess/She lost all her innocence/She said, 'I am not a feminist.'" (On a side note of humor, "I do no sex muh sitar, nu nu nu nu nu.") That's how it felt; I gave my innocence to an absess. I gave it and he used me, so I was bitter.

Kittie- Spit
Paper Doll- Oh, this song was something deep for me. It, basically, refers to a very naive girl/thing being used up, spiritually. I could relate pretty heavily back then.

Jagged Little Pill- Alanis Morrissette
You Oughta Know- Jesus... Both verses go out to my main antagonists, so to speak. The first, "An older version of me/Is she perverted like me?/Would she go down on you in a theater?/ Does she speak eloquently/ And would she have your baby/I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother," is a blatant dig at Sam. The older woman part and the having his child part. The second is all Lestat. "Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?/I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner/It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced/And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?"

Mary Jane- Kyo's song. From me to her. "Please be honest Mary Jane, are you happy? Please don't censor your tears//You're the sweet crusader/And you're on your way/You're the last great innocent/And that's why I love you//So take this moment, Mary Jane, and be selfish/Worry not about the cars that go by/'Cause all that matters Mary-Jane is your freedom/So keep warm, my dear, keep dry."

Hold Onto Me- Sam song. Blatantly. Desperation and need, combined with a need to be protected.

Sunset Strip- This one is a lot of poetic rambling, which I'm in love with, especially in the UK version. My favorite line in that one is, "I don't sleep, I never dream/So to shut them up now I just keep screaming." There's one part, in which she's making references to taking lots of pills and they all inter-relate for me.

Almost Golden- Sam song. Again. "When's he gonna come/When's he gonna spring/When's he gonna crawl out in public//When's he gonna come/Screaming bombs away/When's he gonna kill me in this room."

Uncool- Okay, story time. Last Halloween, I went trick-or-treating with Lestat wearing a very sexy costume. He's quite sadistic, sexually, and wouldn't allow me to kiss him while he was touching me. I can take closeness without intimacy, but intimacy without closeness freaks me out. It's like, "If we're close enough for you to touch me down there, why can't I hold you?" So I broke down crying and turned on this song. I needed Sam at that point. Still do.

Awful- A Lestat song. Ahaha... I had a dream once where I clung onto Monica/Monika in my Alg. II class, saying lyrics from this to her, like it was a prayer. Like I was begging or something. "They know how to break all the girls like you/And they rob the souls of the girls like you/And they break the hearts of the girls." I quoted this to the other Megan to describe Lestat.

Hit So Hard- Part of this is a Sam song. The rest is L from Death Note, if only for all the sugar references. "He's so candy, my downfall/Melts in my mouth 'til he's nothing at all/This keeps me, I can't sleep/He rages to be true//He hit so hard/I saw starts/He hit so hard/I saw God." Since he and I were never face-to-face, he never physically struck me. He struck me with words, something no one (not Lestat, Bri or Damian) has been able to do since.

Malibu- The song that sparked this fucking LONG entry. It's a Sam song, again. At one point, back in middle school, a friend told me Sam had died. If I had heard this song then, I probably would have taken it to heart. Now, I only take a little to heart. "Get well soon/Please don't go any higher/How are you so burned/When you're barely on fire?//...And I knew that love would tear you apart/Oh, and I knew the darkest secret of your heart."

Dying- Ouch. It's a Sam song, pure and simple. Could apply to Lestat too. "Remember, you promised me/I'm dying, I'm dying, please/I want to, I need to be/Under your skin."

Northern Star- This song is about where the album stops relating for me. If I'm reading into it correctly, Courtney is referring to Kurt for, like, all of it. I refer to Sam for, like, all of it. "Even though I'm wide awake, I will/& blackest night & I wait for you/It's cold in here, there's no one left/ & I wait for you/ & nothing stops it happening/ & I knew I'd cherish all my misery alone//...And I want you/And blessed are the broken/And I beg you/No lonliness, no misery is worth you/Oh, tear his heart out cold as ice, it's mine."

So, lets summarize that:

1. I'm not over any of them; Sam, Lestat or even Fawn, who hovers around these lyrics.
2. I probably won't be until I get closure which won't happen for multiple reasons.
3. I'm still hurting but I know that I'll cherish all my misery alone.
4. Kyo, you probably won't read much of this and if you do, you probably won't understand/won't want to understand a lot of this. It's just me venting.
5. No one can help me at this point except for the ones who could possibly give me closure.

Jesus... And to think I just planned on reviewing all the KH fanfics I've read lately.

Okay, romantic dream realized: If I ever marry a boy, it's gonna be a boy who doesn't laugh at me when I read passages from Cunt by Inga Muscio in the middle of a gender/sex debate. The woman is a genius, straight up. Reading over her stuff, I'm sitting there like, "Yeah, this is true." But every time I bring the points up to a boy (which I've done twice, Damian and Lestat), they laugh and say she's a feminazi and I'm crazy.

This is directly from an interview between Soraya Mire and Inga Muscio, which was published in her book.

"In America, women pay the money that is theirs and no one else's to go to a doctor who cuts them up so they can create or sustain an image men want. Men are the mirror. Western women cut themselves up voluntarily. In my country, a child is woken up at three in the morning, held down and cut with a razor blade. She has no choice. Western women pay to get their bodies mutilated.
"When you base your whole self-image on a man- on another human being- how can you expect that person- whether it's a man or a woman- to respect you? How can you respect yourself when you do not have love and respect for yourself?"

......

Yes, I'm most certainly crazy for believing that. Because, after all, women don't think that in the slightest. No one bases themselves off of other people. Anorexia for the sake of looking like a model so that boys will like them doesn't exist. Teen depression and suicide over not being pretty enough doesn't happen. Yes, I must be insane. (End sarcasm abuse)

Lets get onto opinions on sex. More specifically, birth control.

Okay, so I know the basics. Sperm plus egg equals baby. Eliminate one of those and there's no baby. Since it takes two people to make a woman pregnant, one would imagine it's a shared responsibility. However, most men refuse to utilize the most basic of basic forms of birth control (condoms), so it's "our" responsibility to handle birth control. All kinds of methods, including cervical caps (this little barrier that you stick inside you to prevent sperm from entering the uterus) and the pill (which stops a woman from producing eggs altogether), are created by men to be used by women.

Wait, lets take a second look at that last part...

created by men to be used by women.

Lots of ignorant people: But men are really smart and run the industries. They know what they're doing.

Maybe so. But take a look at this:

"Because the pill is the oldest of the three, more is known about its insidious effects on a woman's body. The pill diminishes sexual desire, causes undue weight gain through laboratory generated manipulation of the hormones, obstructs the natural cycle and menstrual flow, represses ovulation, causes heart problems, irritability and migraines, has been linked, unlinked, re-linked to cancer, and synthetically dictates one's entire physical agenda. The pill creates a constant state of false pregnancy. Women on the pill do not have a natural menstrual cycle. Bleeding occurs when placebo pills instigate a false period."

Which is funny, because Lestat once said he thought it would be a brilliant idea to put every female on the pill the day they hit puberty.

"Once upon a time, there was something called the IUD. This stands for intrauterine device. The IUD was implanted in women's uteruses and inhibited the natural growth and shedding of the uterine lining. They made the uterus an inhospitable place for an egg. IUDs caused uterine cancer, infertility and - when they didn't cause death- tore the insides of many women's bodies asunder.
"After wreaking havoc on hundreds of thousands of American women's uteruses and lives, an IUD called the Dalkon Shield was finally taken of the market in 1976. This was not an act of graciousness on the part of A. H. Robins (the corporation responsible for the Dalkon Shield). They were removed from the American market because six hundred lawsuits were pending against the company."

The passage went on to say that even more lawsuits were filed in 1986. So, in other words, unless a lot of people wanted to sue this business, it would still be alive right now. It could have been killing people RIGHT NOW unless a lot of people acted.

Mmm... Yes, those men in the B.C. business certainly know what they're doing.

In addition to that little eye-opener, Cunt also discusses prostitution (which was actually a form of getting closer to God back in Biblical days), how mean women are towards other women and rape. I could type more, I ought to type more, but I'm tired and my fingers are FREEZING.

Overall point: If I marry a boy, it's gonna be a boy who respects and loves me enough as a woman to understand that damn book.

Just went makeup shopping! *happy dance* I got some decent eyeshadow, under-eye concealer (The L look is only cool when it's planned) and some other stuff. Kyo-chan's in Vermont (with a lot of small children) and I haven't seen Lestat in forever. *dance dance*

Feeling a bit emo today. Expect some half-decent teenage angst/drama.

Alright, so, Damian's been coming around a lot lately. I mean, A LOT. He's coming over tomorrow too. He says that he loves me. He sent along a song that I'll probably check out on projectplaylist later. Hang on, I'll grab the lyrics.